I’ve wanted to write about this topic for a long time now, actually all school year. It’s a tough topic for me to go over because it involves going back and reconstructing in my head all my anxieties, those horrible feelings, the frequent visits to doctors and psychologists, and the Skype calls with my best friend that dispelled all my fears and filled me with hope.
Okay, so what is anxiety? Anxiety is a mental signal of fear. I don’t want to use the word “illness.” It tells your body that this situation is uncomfortable and your body does all sorts of crazy things (often very painful things) to force you to get up and leave (flee). There are plenty of much more precise and accurate descriptions and definitions of anxiety you can find. (Sorry, I’m not going to give a medical definition of it)
Everyone has anxiety at certain levels. It is only bad for you when your anxiety levels rise a bit high, or in my case, sky rocket… (quite literally).
I began experiencing panic attacks, my mental thoughts would not leave me alone. I felt there was a little voice inside me telling me everything is too dangerous, too risky, too hard.
I lost ……. A LOT of weight. I had to always wear a belt with my pants. I lost my appetite and nothing I did seemed to bring it back. I was sleep deprived, afraid to sleep because I didn’t want to have another panic attack, I literally looked like a panda because of the lack of nutrition and sleep.I had to force myself to eat, and I was mentally tired, physically tired and emotionally overwhelmed.
This was an unexpected thing for me, I had no idea how to deal with it. Luckily for me, the campus doctor I got was super kind, understanding and has had many previous cases of the exact same thing. Simply knowing that I was not the only one who had to go through this made me feel better. And there was always something about her that made me feel calmer after my doctor’s appointment. I also had some help forming “weekly plans” with my psychologist and bouncing ideas off him for how I could better manage and deal with my anxiety and stress levels.
On top of all that, I struggled with my courses, my grades, my position as Public Relations Officer of the school’s History Society (I had to step down), and worst of all my landlord.
Nothing in my second year made things easier for me. I felt like I was going through hell. I cried…. A LOT. I prayed… A LOT.
But my friends and family really helped me get through those miserable eight months. I’ve never wanted to be at home so badly as I did every week as I counted the long, dark days until Friday when I could board the FED bus, nap and wake up and be home.
Did you know, that people who have anxiety are more likely to also become depressed? there were times in those 8 months when I really did become depressed.
If you have never experienced an anxiety attack or a panic attack, think yourself lucky. I would never wish it on anyone. I honestly feel it is the worst thing in the world.
Was there a way out? Of course. there were always the easy options of taking a semester or two off, transferring to a university in Toronto so I could live at home, take the anxiety medication (I do NOT recommend this at all), or worse. But I didn’t do any of those things.
One of the things that helped me get to sleep at night was this deep relaxation yoga by Sadie Nardini on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZxXyIHdBS4 It helps to calm your brain waves and relax your body so you can fall asleep without all the horrifying thoughts.
Did you know that listening to classical music also helps anxiety?
There were two books that really helped me through these difficult 8 months, one is a book on Anxiety (I highly recommend this to anyone who is curious about it or is struggling with it or knows someone who struggles with some form of anxiety):
The Anxiety and Phobia Workout (5th ed.) by Dr. Edmund J. Bourne. It helped me to really understand what my anxiety is and how I can manage it and change my lifestyle to promote a happier mental state. (Top left image)
The other book (you’re going to laugh) is:
Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss.
why this book? Just Read it. Or watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_2muj6fxpc
Even my best friend did not quite understand why I loved this book so much until I read it out loud to her, showing her the pictures like a nostalgic kindergarten story time during one of our Skype calls.
And when everything I’ve tried fails or is not enough to calm my anxiety or panic attack, I softly sing Soft Kitty to myself. It seems to have a mantra effect on me that helps me calm down and fall into a deep sleep so I can finally rest. These tactics are what I’ve tried and found to be effective for me. They will vary for others, but there are suggestions.
When I look back at my second year of university, everything seems like a blur and I hope it remains a blur, because I’d rather not remember it. I realized who were really my friends and who were just pretending. I’m glad that it’s over and dealt with.
In writing this, I hope that people around me will perhaps better understand what it is that I’m going through, but maybe they’ll continue to dismiss it altogether. Oh well.
And hopefully, my third year will be infinitely better.
-Catherine.